Tell Me Why

I'm sick and tired of your attitude.
Sick of this going around and around in circles.
Sick of this being a big deal somehow.
Sick of realizing it is partly my fault too.
Isn't it like a horror story?
I laughed it off,
until I realized it IS actually that scary.
What are you thinking?
Are you really that stubborn?
How should I know?
If only I settled things sooner
If only I handled it better
If only you could say things earlier
If only you don't jump to your own conclusions
Guess what,
it is both our faults,
and it is nobody's fault  
Don't run, don't hide, don't back down?
Well Lexin, time to put your own advice to good use.

The First Day

Today is the day, but the impact from yesterday still hasn't died down. Of course we were forced to go to school to attend one of the most long-winded events ever, but hey, there's money involved. And because of this too, I hung out in the weirdest group I have ever been in. It was a rather weird day, but it was sure enough, 'interesting'. Getting pushed, hit, and attacked by Ms. Psycho, the most awkward game of Truth or Dare ever, (courtesy of Ms. Psycho's awkward questions), Freedom's big 'confession' in 6RS, and of course there was the B.C finally confessing to B.C thing.

You know whenever I am out at a cafe or something, my table will always be the noisiest one around. And I used to think it was just cause that is how my group of friends are. Yeah you know what, scratch that. It doesn't matter who I was hanging out with, my table will still be the noisiest one in the whole place. Like we can go from me being shushed by Mr. Freedom and Ms. Mole cause 'we weren't the only ones there anymore', to the whole place probably knowing about Freedom and Ms Mole's pooping business. Reading comics, discussing life issues, counselling session... okay seriously the things we did in that short period of time. =.= I gotta say though, I really enjoyed it.

First day of being 19. It is quite an interesting way to put it, ever since I saw Ms. Forever Pengerusi's message :). One of the things I thought of was a few days ago was actually the fact that next year I am supposed to be 20. TWENTY. The word looms up bigger and bigger. I just feel like it is a really OLD age to be. And I know that isn't true cause looking at my bro and friends they pretty much act a lot like how we are now. But I don't know, I just remember when I was wayy younger and I used to think that once your age starts with '2', then you are supposed to be a full- on adult, you know, just be...an adult. Adult. What is that supposed to mean anyway? People still mistake me for a FORM 1 for goodness sakes.

And then leaving school. I feel like one of the only few people who is actually really upset about leaving but that is just me, I get way too emotionally attached to people and then it is like I don't want them to ever leave me. Of course there is the fact I don't want to grow uppppppppp ~~~~ there is the whole what am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? Issue. There is the 'everything will change but you don't know how' issue. There is the not going to school everyday and seeing the people who are always there issue. There are a lot of issues. No matter how much you tell yourself that you will hold on to every precious few moments left , you know very well that the days are slipping away like an out of control whirlwind, and I look at the present time, and what? I am already officially 19? How did one whole month just slip by like that? Even today, just looking at the time, how did the whole day just slip by like that?

But I guess on my birthday every year, there is this need to be thankful. And honestly I am. It is always the same old thing, thank you to so and so for always being there for me, and all sorts of such stuff which aren't things these people haven't heard from me, but honestly, there are not enough words to express them.

Ms. Enlightened, who has been there with me since the beginning of time, the only true constant in my form 6 life. The one who tells cold jokes, but listens to my problems in a way that is neutral, but still on my side.

Ms. Chancello, who I should've been friends with way earlier, but who is so much alike to me. The one who is also emotional and gets agitated easily, but is very calm when I am NOT.

Ms. Pengerusi, the one who I share everything with, and the one who shares everything with me. We have a connection that runs so deep, no words are needed anymore. We are practically the definition for the phrase 'I have your back'.

Mr. Tsubasa, one term, one short term, and yet in that short period of time, we somehow connected. Our friendship will 'never ever ever' break, no matter what happens.

Freedom, I don't think I need to say more. I have probably said enough. Though I don't know whether or not you ever got anything I said through all the laughing, joking, overreacting, crazy-ing and emotional-ing ;) But in a nutshell, whatever it is, what fun we had all this time :D              

Then there are so many others, GLSquare, Double K, my first few friends, though they are typical annoying guys, they are so much fun to be around and really really awesome people. And everyone I met that has ever made me smile (in this case, well, every one in class).

Dear Lexin, the one who just turned 19. You are not perfect. In fact you are way wayyyy off from it. You disappoint me sometimes. You might make me feel regretful. And you might make me feel sad. But you only have room to grow stronger, and better. Learn from your mistakes, but don't let them stop you. Live, laugh, love, and be happy. Don't be afraid. Don't run, don't hide, and don't back down. Stop worrying about everything. Follow your dreams. Regret nothing. Remember those you love, always. Do your best for them, and for yourself. When in doubt, go crazy. And life will be whatever you want it to be.

Here's to an even better tomorrow. Happy 19th.


     

The day before

Yesterday. Yesterday was completely awesome. To think I thought about what could possibly surprise me at this point in time? Yeah turns out I was completely wrong, cause the surprises were OVERWHELMING. Lets start with how Ms. Banana just casually strolled into class and reached for the light switches like I wasn't staring at her the whole time, it was actually really funny hahahaha. Sorry guys for ruining my own surprise lol. But then when the gifts started, it was... it was just...I couldn't believe that I would be that surprised but I was just completely overwhelmed. Firstly, the gramophone music box that Ms Chancello and I saw in Megalong, never have I thought she would actually go and BUY it, and it is GORGEOUS. Oh dear lord. It was the first thing and I already thought I would faint. And to think Sifu joined in too awwwwww. Of course, a big hearty thank you to Mr. Marlboro and also the 'Freedom Gang' (I have no idea why you guys are called the Freedom Gang but lets just go with it) for your gifts. Lol when I saw Mr. Marlboro's keychain I was like 'how...appropriate', hahaha. And the purse, which I didn't properly look at the print on it at first, but when I really looked at it, I think I straight up fell in love with it haha.

     

And next, the album. I got so emotional reading it, it was kinda ridiculous. Firstly, Mr. Stranger's message was so...I don't even know how to say it, I just thought it was rather sweet, considering that he is the person I am least familiar with, I thought it was REALLY nice. And then I saw Mr. G's name and I had to double take. I was like shouting his name out loud as if he appeared right in front of me, but my god I was so surprised and it was so sweet. And then Mr. Tsubasa, the background of your message, I can honestly say I was touched. Super super super touched. Thanks to Ms. Enlightened and Ms. Forever Pengerusi for putting it together, it was so beautiful. 

And you know how sometimes really small things just means so much? Yeah, Mr. Tequila knocked it straight out of the park. He gave me this small red box, and I was wondering what could possibly be in it. At first sight I saw this:

     And of course, firstly, STARS. He folded his stars thing and honestly if the box only contained the stars I would be happy enough lol. And the keychain inside it, at first I thought it looked like some sort of anime thing, and then I took it out, and it is actually....

I cannot use words to express how I felt. It was like...EVERYTHING in this little box is so RIGHT, I just can't. I can't be calm about this. I don't know if it was pure coincidence that he chose this sort of keychain or something, but how, how did he KNOW I like stuff with musical notes on it, just how. How. I don't know. Not to mention I later discovered there were exactly nineteen stars in the box, and even if it wasn't intentional I still think that was sweet. This proves that even though we annoy each other all the time, he is still an annoying, braggy, but awesome chess prince. Lol what kind of description is that.

But really, I probably got the most emotional due to Ms Forever Pengerusi. The bag that reminded me of you at once. The 'half drunk' notebook haha. Your letter which actually made me teary, I've got to say that was probably the most heartfelt and honest (not that the others weren't honest xp ) letter I have ever read. There is something about it that just made our lives together fly by in my head like a montage and I had to re-read it like ten thousand times. Thank you, thank you, thank you for pouring your heart out to me. 

And then, the ultimate emotional burst, came from this -

 

If I didn't think it was something else at first I probably wouldn't have been so surprised (but I would still be), but when I had a proper GOOD look at it, and I realized it was the CARROT BUNNY, I completely lost it. I cannot believe you made this, it is the most incredible thing ever. I don't even know how many times I have said Oh My God but seriously you guys made me REALLY happy. I feel as if you people know me better than I know myself, cause if I were to give myself something I would've never thought of these things, and you guys did a better job than I could've ever done.   

And of course, Mr. Tsubasa, THANK YOU for the album! It was an unexpected album, but I, as appropriately titled, LOVE it haha! 

 

 

  I had all sorts of mixed feelings waiting for my birthday to come, but I am so, so grateful that you guys are the ones I celebrated with. And really, if there was ever a definition for love, yesterday would be it. Because I realized that everything which made the hard STPM year the best time of my life, was you guys.What more can a girl ask for on her birthday? 

For all the birthdays we have celebrated together, thanks for making mine extra special too.     

Tsubasa

Sometimes I turn back time,

It's not hard to do

Cause I remember everything

Maybe you do too

Remember when we first met?

I wonder what you were thinking,

When you tried to scare me from behind,

When you called me 'LowLow' out of the blue

Isn't it funny to think of now

We were just two strangers,

and I never had a clue

Maybe I thought you hated me,

Maybe you thought I was hard to please,

Maybe you didn't believe in me,

Maybe I thought you were strange

Sometimes, I turn back time

So many things have changed

So many feelings grew

It's not hard to picture you,

there was our awkward first conversation

there was the talk about our future

about dolphins and medicine,

about sitting in your CUTE,

there we were, singing under the tree together

and there we were, dancing to the latest trend

Remember how there was the four of us,

causing chaos everywhere we go,

laughing about inappropriate jokes,

frozen yogurt, random stores

remember how there was the four of us,

it was us against the world

and whenever we were together,

we had the whole world.

Sometimes, I turn back time

and I think of what used to be

I think of who you are,

of who I become when I'm with you

I think of laughter and smiles,

and how much you mean to me

Distance doesn't mean a thing

Because some things never fade

Time doesn't mean a thing

If our memories remain

may your wings grow stronger

and may your dreams take you

wherever you want to go

thank you

for the time of my life

thank you

for being there once,

and for being there forever

Happy Birthday to you.
  

Hands of Fate

You know you haven't been blogging for awhile when you almost forgot your password. They say time flies when you're having a good time, but for some reason time can also fly by even when you aren't having too much of a 'good time'. Or maybe it is the whole 'blocking out the bad memories' thing going on. Things change, really quickly. In just a blink of an eye, everything can change, and it sweeps over like a current, nothing you can do to stop it. The more you fight it, the worse it becomes. If you list out every event in your life that changes you in a way, can you ever list them all?

Man are the only ones plagued by one of the most ultimate fears, the fear of time running out. When I think about seizing the moment and living your life, how very, very soon everything I have now will be gone,   and it will change, I almost get a panic attack of some sort. Things don't go your way forever, and nothing really lasts forever. Maybe now you're perfect, and the next second you're broken. Maybe now you love, and suddenly you're forced to hate, then the next second you love again. Maybe you know some things are wrong, but you still see it as right, because there is no time, time is running out, there is no time for all the wrong. Why do we complicate things with 'cause that is how it is, you HAVE to face the truth'. Maybe when you start fearing about time, then you realize that 'the bitter truth' can use some sugar coating. Cause why would we want our memories to be filled with hate, despair, and disappointment?

We can't handle things on our own all the time. We are not psychologists and motivational speakers and crazy optimists no matter how many people come to you for advice and to tell you their feelings. Even if you wish you are really all that. But some things you tell yourself everyday, tell yourself till you're tired of your own thoughts, tell yourself till you run out of positive things to say to other people, and you realize that actually, the whole positive vibe comes more naturally now. And the smallest things help, even just a bit. Like occupying your time and mind with tons of chemistry exercises, like listening to Ed Sheeran while snuggling in a blanket with your favorite hot drink.

Nothing really lasts forever, but as long as something touched you once, it will touch you forever.

We see things the way we want it to be 

And things turn out the way we see it

Tell me what is wrong

Tell me what is right

Tell me why if you fight life,

Life always wins

You care till it hurts, or bleeds,

Or fades in time

And the hurt really does fade,

though the memory stays

And you always come away with something more

It was good, never looking down

We just learn to live with the pain

Mosaic broken hearts 

There's always some people around

they come around and the armor falls

Pierce the room like a cannon ball
you never saw them coming

and you'll never be the same again

and all we know,

is don't let go

Some things in life just had to happen,

so you tell yourself

these are the hands of fate,

this is the worthwhile fight,

this is the golden age,

this is the state of grace

I'll paint you by numbers,

and colour you in

if things go right we can frame it

and put you on a wall

I'm gonna pick up the pieces, 

and build a lego house

if things go wrong we can knock it down.

And I will love you better now. 

   
         

If we seize the night

What an overdue post, but...you can't let prom pass without writing bout it right?

It was a nice night. It definitely wasn't like crazzzzzy awesomeeee or anything like that, which it never turns out that way, but I would say that it turned our quite nicely! Starting from the extremely budget buys I got (thanks to Ms Chancello), then to my crazy DIY mess with my hair (turned out okay-ish actually), then debating about whose house to go to first and how to get there. The place was much nicer than I expected. Everyone was GORGEOUS that night, like seriously, whoah, you get a slight sort of 'omg everyone looks so good and I look like...?????' feeling, BUT, the typical girl thought didn't really take over that much, cause the night just sweeps you away. But I've gotta say, honestly, the dress was great (thanks again Ms Chancello xp)
My table mates were awesome, really noisy, but awesome. I still don't get how our table is miles away from the other two 6AS tables, it was kinda unfair honestly =.= but it was okay, the camwhore session made up for it. We had the most messily beautiful performance from Mr. Legendary, Mr,. Tequila and Mr. Sot, it was so good, and we were all so happy watching them, even though the three of them had an 'after performance argument' behind me haha. Guys, it was great, come on. And when Mr. Ukulele went up for the impromptu drumming, that was by far EPIC. What else? our AJK comedian did some really good singing too, I was impressed, in fact his voice kinda reminds me of Mr. Tequila a bit 0.0                

And the fact that the highlight of my night was something Mr. Naruto (aka Mr. Spoon now), did was ridiculous. But lol, that is what happens for swearing you will swallow a spoon if you won the lucky draw. It eventually led on to us suggesting that he shall swallow a spoon if anyone from our table wins, and of course Ms. Enlightened and her lucky number won after that. And instead of going 'yay she won!' like the others, we were all like 'YES!!!!! EAT SPOON!!!!!!!!' HAHAHA. It was rather epic. Ah, when shall his fate be sealed? ;) BUt guys, seriously, we thought you would win the coke thing for sure cause you had Mr. F, but apparently Mr. F was the ONLY one good at that. Oh well =.=

Thank you, everyone, for being like the awesomest, funniest, craziest friends ever, for that night was a great one. When I ran around taking pictures *like I just didn't care*, I felt like the fate of me having my most memorable pictures ever was depending on that night haha. So we didn't actually take a thousand pictures, Ms. Forever Pengerusi, but a picture speaks a thousand words, and a memory lasts more beautifully than any picture. You looked absolutely gorgeous and glam that night, really befitting for our forever pengerusi haha :) And thank you Mr. Freedom (or Einstein) for taking silly pictures with me too. Btw, so much for going all natural with your hair eh =.= But it was, as I said, adorable :p .

Mr Tsubasa, I was reminded of you, how last year's prom was in some ways more exciting than this year's, and that is very much thanks to you. Even though you weren't here, a part of you is always around here somewhere, and if you were here that night we would've sang and danced the night away, and you would look the best ;) Ah, trust me, cause I always mean what I say right :D

I guess after that night I got some sort of two-day hangover. But ah, when it was finally over, getting out of all the formal stuff, especially after finally getting out the contacts that made me feel like I was trying to poke my eyeballs out =.= , I felt like once a year is enough for all these formal stuff. Cause just being casual feels soooo good. However, being in that sort of occasion with the people you love is definitely priceless.      

What more can I say? We owned the night.

May our hearts be full like our drinks tonight

Maye we sing and dance till we lose our minds

We are only young if we seize the night

Tonight, we own the night