Merge

And there you go again telling yourself it is okay

Once again you are doing what they are used to seeing

There you go again 

Causing a scene like they are not tired of hearing about it

Thank you for those always willing to listen

Sorry that in the process, she cried today

But thank you for helping me get through this

I guess no matter how annoying I get 

I am never alone

也许是我自己没看见

她说，

他本来就是这样的

我从来都不曾怀疑

然后她说

那短短几句话

我‘不该知道’的话

那么可笑

原来我连朋友也不值

Whether or not I offend people

I never mean to 

Not always

Especially not you

Whether or not I should get offended

it is an endless cycle

and guess what,

at the end of the day

it wasn't anything to worry about anyway

不知要怎么形容

当朋友被伤害了

与自己受伤了

差别好大

结果只是

坐在那儿 闷不做声

像一个懦夫

不敢直视你

不敢责问你

就这样

坐在那儿

我还能做些什么

还不够吗

如果我做不到你想要的

那一切一切都是我的错

你以为我的性格就是这样

什么心事都告诉别人

生气也说

伤心也说

我多么地坦白

我多么地开放

我对全部人都是这样？

你很佩服我的爽朗吗？

And I finally decided to go for it

no matter how insecure I get

but I think they're right

you never know till you try 

even if you know how it ends

even if you know how it always ends

I trust you

I do

即使你感谢我对你的信任

即使我永远也不告诉你

你是有多么的伤人

你知道吗

对不起

从今 ， 以后， 

我无法再相信你了

朋友

什么是朋友

and those words rang in my head

she said,

'it's not worth it',

and so I tell myself,

but the words seem so clear -

you are not worth it

you are not worth

you are not.

You Are. 

when I woke up I had everything

a handful of moments I wish I could change

And a tongue like a nightmare that cuts like a blade

Arrogant girl

Love yourself so no one has to

they're better off without you

Arrogant girl

cause a scene like you're supposed to

they'll fall asleep without you

Give me therapy 

I'm a walking travesty

But I'm smiling at everything

Therapy 

You were never a friend to me

you can choke on your misery  

4 a.m

I have never really 'gone crazy over the weekend', but I think I can tick that box off now. I had the most surreal weekend ever, the type that made me think we are done with exams/ graduating, when in fact our first test of the semester is coming up in two weeks. I think that for some what  we did over the weekend was pretty normal, but I had this surreal feeling that I was hallucinating, and all that was just a dream. If it was, it was a great dream :).

I visited three houses I never thought I would in a span of two days, got to drink Mr. Marlboro's famous coffee, sang until my voice completely went (thank god it is almost back to normal now), watched a super stress-relieving movie, ate at a place I never thought I would, talked through the night and slept in the morning. If there was ever a time to feel like Taylor Swift's 22, that was the night.

It feels like one of those nights,

we ditch the whole scene, and end up dreaming, instead of sleeping.

We're happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way

it's miserable and magical

Mr. Tsubasa has finally left. Of course, it feels like he came back for only one day, but I would take even a few minutes than none. I've never properly thanked you for the book, but I really really appreciate it, especially the fact that you got it, even after I told you ten times I don't need anything. But it would take awhile before I finish it, since there are tons of books lined up to be finished *guilty*. we didn't have a really, really proper farewell, since I had to rush off so suddenly,but no farewell can ever be *perfect*. And this isn't goodbye, it's just 'see you again'. I hope you take care, and I hope Australia is good for you. Continue getting those awesome results, and don't worry, you deserve every bit of it :)

This is when the feeling sinks in,

I don't want to miss you like this

come back, be here,

come back

be here

I don't know why but sometimes when I get too lost in the moment, I kinda start getting emotional and confused about some things. Like some things are such a bad, bad idea but in the moment, you feel like it is the best thing ever. Then when the moment has passed, you're all like 'yeah, if the things I do can just stop being a bad idea, that would be great '
Oh well, I guess I can't emphasize this enough, but...
what an awesome weekend :)

I don't know how it gets better than this

You take my hand and drag me head first,

fearless     

    

Let's Talk Greek

Given how the situation is currently I am surprised I didn't post something like this earlier.
Greek mythology. Everyone loves it,  some more than others, some used to know more and not so much now (raises hand *guiltily* ).

I am not going to go on and on and on about every Greek hero I know, but what I WILL do is, I will talk about my top three favorite characters.

Number three - Eros.
Well, of course the Greek version of Cupid has to be in the list. Who doesn't like cupid right. Greek god of love, sometimes depicted as primordial, sometimes as the son of Aphrodite, I actually find this a bit confusing ...but since when are Greek myths not confusing right. I don't really think my particular fascination is with Eros himself though, probably more towards the whole Erotes thing. I've seen them described as 'part of Aphrodite's retinue. Erotes is the plural of Eros, who as a singular deity has a more complex mythology." Okay you see I find that confusing too. So there are three gods involved in the whole 'love' mechanism, Anteros - the god of recruited love, Himeros - god of unrequited love, and Pothos - god of longing/desire (especially for those who are absent). It is kinda interesting to think that there is a god for each of these love- related feelings. But I would say that if they do exist (hey I am not saying they don't xp) I know which one I would be giving the death glare to for frequently visiting me (yes I am looking at you Himeros =.=).

Number Two - Apollo
My favorite Greek god ever. I have no solid reason as to why he is my favorite Greek god ever, but it probably has something to do with the fact he seems to be the only Greek god that I would imagine to be...young and handsome. Something like that. Lets see, Apollo - god of light and the sun, truth and prophecy, healing, plague, music, poetry, and more... Yeah. there is more, like it wasn't enough. Honestly the only stories I really know of him are the ones involving his lovers, I know, I know, you can see what my preferences are. Particularly the one about Hyacinthus (if it involves a male lover there is no way I wouldn't be all over that). But it is sad that there aren't much information on Hyacinthus, besides the fact he was handsome, athletic, spartan, and accidentally killed by Apollo himself while throwing the discus. Of course I prefer the version where Zephyrus blew the discus in Hyacinthus's way because he was jealous that Hyacinthus chose Apollo over him. Yeah, love can be dangerous sometimes.  And in the end, of course, Apollo turns him into a flower, which is apparently probably maybe the Iris (instead of the Hyacinth which I think it should logically be =.=).

Number One - The reason I was into Greek stuff and also the reason for this post anyway,

Narcissus. There is no stopping me when I start on Narcissus, but I would try to not write a novel on him.
Yeah maybe he was the most beautiful boy ever, guys and girls were falling for him left and right just by looking at his face, but I can say that I didn't even need to look at his face and I am already in love with this guy. His story is popularly known as something related to vanity, there is even a word to describe someone who is vain after his name. But I'm sure people who read into it felt like there was definitely more to it, like this story wasn't created just to talk about a vain person and his certain death, adn the moral of the story sin't just 'don't be a vain jerk'. Not to mention that his story was also related to how the nymph Echo became the 'echo' we know of now. And there were so many characters, Tiresias started it all by making the prophecy that Narcissus would live a long life if he did not know himself. Now I think that is where the trouble begins, because if his parents didn't frantically try to make him NEVER know how he looks like, and if he had known how he looks like since young, I do not think he would have fallen in love with his reflection. Then there was Ameinias  who was rejected by Narcissus, and killed himself then cursed him, and there was Nemesis who led him to the pool which resulted in him falling in love with his reflection.

I probably felt so strongly towards Narcissus because his story just broke my heart. I didn't even know the full story yet, I only knew he was a guy, who fell in love with his reflection, and died of a broken heart. If that isn't heartbreaking I have no idea what is.

I read a long and winding article about what the story of Narcissus was really supposed to teach you. It was 

long, and once again, confusing. But what I took note of was that 'he didn't scorn others because he was in love with himself', he scorned others, THEN he fell in love with himself.' He scorned those who love him because it all came too easily to him, and in the end he fell in love with the one person he couldn't have. In my opinion that is what happens a lot to real people in real life so I find it interesting. We always, always, want what we can't have. Especially if we have never learnt to appreciate what we actually have. Then there is also the fact that the 'secret point' to this story isn't about him, but the pool. How when you see into a pool, the pool looks back at you. And how it's not you looking at your reflection, but it is your reflection looking back at you. I take it as don't just look at your reflection, but look at how your reflection portrays you. 

'

But in the end, a story is a story, and a story is whatever you want it to be. In my opinion, if you exclude the whole certain death thing, maybe it is trying to tell you that if you have never known yourself, you will never learn to love others. And once you finally discovered yourself, that is when you would love yourself. But be careful, because sometimes, it might be too late.                  

Side note: thank you to the guy who ignited this whole Greek thing. And you know, it's still Ms. Chancello who gave you the card, not me (unless you were referring to her then I apologize xp) But I think I will tell her your thoughts on the card, just to ease her mind a bit :) And hey, I bet you could attract a few stray birds yourself if you were in a Disney film (although with the way we are singing everywhere we go I am starting to think we ARE becoming Disney characters). Hmm, if you (I) could be a character, who would you be.... hmmmmmh...And also, now that you mentioned it, I WOULD like a talking horse to appear, prince or no prince. And in fact, maybe even a talking dragon or something. 

Yeah, if I could, just for a bit, I would run away somewhere too, somewhere Far, Far Away...

Every sky was your own kind of blue

You showed me something that I couldn't see

Opened my eyes and you made me believe

Have a happy day everyone,

Lexie

     

       

By The Way

Hey,

I think you know who you are

I had the urge to say this face to face in school 

but it would've been awkward if I actually said it

but still

I want you to know

you are the smartest guy I know

and you will always be the smartest guy I know

maybe it's because you know so much, not just in studies

but mostly beause everything you know and everything you talk about

are the things I like hearing

you didn't lose yourself

and no one has the right to say that, no matter how good their intentions are

You can sing as loud as you like

And dance however much you want to

Live life as you want it to be,

because nothing can stop you 

Yeah this might be awkward

but you know who you are right?

So I hope you see this

And you know what,

shhh....

let this be a secret ;)


( I have no regrets posting this I have no regrets posting this I have no regrets posting this ...xp)

The End

   Emotional roller coasters are exhausting. I've been up, down, up, ( and mostly down), but I think everything turned out really fine. It's the type of rainbow after the rain thing.

   It started with me getting upset about some really stupid thing. I think that my emo-ness is kinda justified, but still rather stupid. Then I watched Pacific Rim, which was so unexpectedly AWESOME I kinda got really happy for awhile. Also , there is the fact Mr. Jaroque dragged me in his quest to stalk his favorite singer all around Malaysia.  He's seen him for the third time, come on. But of course getting to meet a singer was pretty nice, (not to mention the fact we were the ONLY ONES beside the radio crew who were there to see them). It ends with today I guess, with my semester 2 STPM results out. It all felt like a dream, I still don't believe the results are out. Either way I was a hundred times less stressed than the first time while waiting for my results, and I still have that weird, content feeling, like everything is okay (even though they weren't really that okay lol). And without bothering to list the subjects all out, 3.67, 3.00, 2.33 and 2.00, overall is 2.75. Hey that's pretty okay, there were IMPROVEMENTS! Haha. But I am sure that Sir. Chemist is not very pleased at all, my god, he gave me that 'look' when I was forced to say out all my results in the teacher's office. Why do you always do this to me sir, why!! T_T I am not going to lie though, I am disappointed that Bio, my only hope, was stuck at B. Sigh. Not even a ' + ' behind that B, I could almost see teacher's disappointed face and saying 'you are not serious' again.

Had to stay after school today, and coincidentally there was a friend who was staying too. We were studying quite successfully - at first. Then he just came over and then we were like talking and talking and I only got a few pages of chemistry down. But I count that as an achievement. He did say something that surprised me though.

"You seem so depressed. You laugh so much, that it looks like you are just covering up your pain.'

It was kinda weird, and it is also not true because naturally laughter seems to be my most frequent response to everything. But then it got me thinking, what if he was right? I think that what he said could actually be true, sometimes, but isn't laughter the best way to cover everything up? Besides it being a weird moment, I am actually touched that he said that, it feels like someone is trying to care about me xp.    

Today, once again, since I have this weird thing of adjusting my feelings to feel content about things I shouldn't be content with (did that make sense ?), I started falling into the role of consoling people, I guess. I really don't know what to say anymore because I completely understand what they are worried and upset about, but I am so helpless so I just did the whole act crazy and hope they laugh thing. There is only so much I can say. But please don't be upset, to all the people this may be of concern to, because there is a way, there is always a better way. I still believe what I wrote last time, that there is too much to do, there is no time to get upset. And to quote one of my favorite quotes ever - in the end everything will be okay,  and if it's not okay...

It's not the end.

     

And I had the week that came from hell
And yes I know that you can tell
But you're like the net under the ledge
But I go flying off the edge
You go flying off as well

And if we only die once I wanna die with you

Have a happy day everyone,

Lexie

Cold as you

Sometimes I wonder, if I just evaporate into thin air, would you care?

Then I realize, if I had to ask that question,

you probably won't care.

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Emotional

First things first, Happy Birthday to a certain Mr. Freedom !!! It was kinda crazy with all the gift giving and what not, but it is great that it all went smoothly!

Today is also education fair day, had some 'interesting information'. And I have no idea why, but being stuck at one booth for almost 20 minutes, rushing back to the canteen, eating at lightning speed then waiting outside the auditorium forever kinda makes one person kinda emotional okay,  I was super unable to calm down. And THEN someone had to make me angry at the wrong time, like what in the world man. I am angrier at the fact I was angry at such a small thing, more than what the person actually did. ARGHHH. But then I calmed down and was like...lol what is wrong with me.

Then on another different note, and on to another different person, why do people have to be so...UGH sometimes. Like seriously, why do some people just find the need to p*** other people off. (I also realize I tend to get angrier when someone does something to my friend than just directly to me). And of all the people to mess with...come on, are you ASKING to get killed? Or maybe it's fun hurting other people's feelings, yeah it might be fun if the person you mess with won't KILL YOU. Seriously people, seriously.

Today was just such a weird mess of happy, exciting, angry and frustrated emotions, I feel like I can't breathe. Sigh.

And also...one small, random thing....

Have you ever had someone, only younger than you by one year, BOW to you while saying thanks? ;)

That is something to remember.

Anyway, Happy birthday dude

Lexie   

Where there is desire there is bound to be a flame

where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned

Funny how the heart can be deceiving

More than just a couple times