The End

   Emotional roller coasters are exhausting. I've been up, down, up, ( and mostly down), but I think everything turned out really fine. It's the type of rainbow after the rain thing.

   It started with me getting upset about some really stupid thing. I think that my emo-ness is kinda justified, but still rather stupid. Then I watched Pacific Rim, which was so unexpectedly AWESOME I kinda got really happy for awhile. Also , there is the fact Mr. Jaroque dragged me in his quest to stalk his favorite singer all around Malaysia.  He's seen him for the third time, come on. But of course getting to meet a singer was pretty nice, (not to mention the fact we were the ONLY ONES beside the radio crew who were there to see them). It ends with today I guess, with my semester 2 STPM results out. It all felt like a dream, I still don't believe the results are out. Either way I was a hundred times less stressed than the first time while waiting for my results, and I still have that weird, content feeling, like everything is okay (even though they weren't really that okay lol). And without bothering to list the subjects all out, 3.67, 3.00, 2.33 and 2.00, overall is 2.75. Hey that's pretty okay, there were IMPROVEMENTS! Haha. But I am sure that Sir. Chemist is not very pleased at all, my god, he gave me that 'look' when I was forced to say out all my results in the teacher's office. Why do you always do this to me sir, why!! T_T I am not going to lie though, I am disappointed that Bio, my only hope, was stuck at B. Sigh. Not even a ' + ' behind that B, I could almost see teacher's disappointed face and saying 'you are not serious' again.

Had to stay after school today, and coincidentally there was a friend who was staying too. We were studying quite successfully - at first. Then he just came over and then we were like talking and talking and I only got a few pages of chemistry down. But I count that as an achievement. He did say something that surprised me though.

"You seem so depressed. You laugh so much, that it looks like you are just covering up your pain.'

It was kinda weird, and it is also not true because naturally laughter seems to be my most frequent response to everything. But then it got me thinking, what if he was right? I think that what he said could actually be true, sometimes, but isn't laughter the best way to cover everything up? Besides it being a weird moment, I am actually touched that he said that, it feels like someone is trying to care about me xp.    

Today, once again, since I have this weird thing of adjusting my feelings to feel content about things I shouldn't be content with (did that make sense ?), I started falling into the role of consoling people, I guess. I really don't know what to say anymore because I completely understand what they are worried and upset about, but I am so helpless so I just did the whole act crazy and hope they laugh thing. There is only so much I can say. But please don't be upset, to all the people this may be of concern to, because there is a way, there is always a better way. I still believe what I wrote last time, that there is too much to do, there is no time to get upset. And to quote one of my favorite quotes ever - in the end everything will be okay,  and if it's not okay...

It's not the end.

     

And I had the week that came from hell
And yes I know that you can tell
But you're like the net under the ledge
But I go flying off the edge
You go flying off as well

And if we only die once I wanna die with you

Have a happy day everyone,

Lexie

凡走過 定會長留

Had one of those 'it's destiny!' moments again today. Somehow these things happened a few times, mostly people that I am dying to meet appearing suddenly in front of me.

A few days ago, my mom mentioned a teacher that teaches at my former primary school in Labuan. The point is not the teacher though, but her son. At least for me, because her son is one of the three 'little brothers' I had in primary six then. I don't think about them a lot, but sometimes when I do it does bring back memories. One of the three I actually hear about quite frequently, and ever since leaving I have seen him once in Pahang for choral speaking (imagine that), and even more recently I heard about him from my friend. Turns out he's in KK now. So yeah, you can say I hear about him a lot.

This teacher's son though, was sort of the one that...I gave most attention to I guess. He is really naughty and whatnot, which led to many people not really liking him then. But I liked playing with him and sort of gave myself the role of taking care of him. I haven't heard about him in years, and hearing my mother mention the teacher made me think of him again.

Just now I went to 1B. I almost didn't get to go. My mom and I ate at this new place. We wouldn't have went there usually. My mom sat facing the door, and I sat with my back facing it. All these are just a series of events that led me to be able to meet HIM again. My mom suddenly said 'eh, the teacher!' When I heard that she saw the whole family was with her, I rushed out at once, and I almost didn't see him, but I spot the only guy that looked like it could be him.

I went up to talk to the teacher, with the slight awkward introduction of 'do you remember me? I am...'
But I was looking at him, and I swear I wouldn't have recognized him if not for the fact that 'that guy over there'  is the only one there that can possibly be him. He did look a bit more familiar as I looked at him more. Lets just say, he grew up into such a handsome young man! *tears*

I regret that I didn't say even one word to him, because I wasn't sure if he remembered me. Something made me think that he did, but I guess he is not the friendliest guy around. The only thing I got to do was wave to him, which brought back like zero response, and then I left. I regret not asking him anything, really, really regretted it, but I was completely tongue-tied.

Missing someone/thing/place is a really depressing feeling. The only thing you can do is sit around moping but whatever it is you're missing is not coming to you. Meeting him again made me really nostalgic, and I start missing the people, the simple moments, and most importantly Labuan, again. I haven't been back there in years. I seem to have a memory deficit when it comes to my childhood, because I hardly remember anything that happened when I was young, but I remember the school, with it's big stuffy hall. The beach we go to on the weekends, where I collected tons of seashells, whereas now I go to the beach like once a year. The only shopping center we could go to because there was nowhere else we can go. The little choir group I'm in that wins every year, the music camp where I played my first 'water wars', and my three 'little brothers'. Hm, I guess this leaves one more than I haven't met ever since I left. It is such a weird feeling, you're at home, but you are homesick. 

I don't think 'destiny' happens more than once, and I don't think I will ever get to see him again. But at least I did, a few days after I talked about him with my mom. As for Labuan, I am definitely going back there, if not soon, then later.

Wait for me, I will be back.

帶我到天涯和海角
一年 一輩子 隨風
永遠也忘不了

Have a happy day everyone,

Lexie       

  

Silly worries

    Today is the first day of school tests, and well, I was really, really stressed out about this particular subject because it is virtually impossible to memorize like even...half of what I'm supposed to. Unless I start out really early, which I never do. Maybe I should really start doing that after this. It went okay though, but what matters is when the result comes out. Tomorrow is maths, and as usual, I am not confident in that at all.  

  I don't think that today is the right day to be blogging, but I just felt like posting something. Because that is a part of why people blog right, to get things off their mind? So, what I (unnecessarily) have a lot of now is this:

Worries.

   It is something that happens when I am in a generally nervous/down mood. I worry incessantly about anything and everything. I worry about my current test. I worry about the results of my big exam last year, which is coming out this Thursday. That is probably the biggest source of my worry, because despite what anyone else might think, it is probably NOT going to be good. Our three seniors who were three of the top scorers (in school and also in the state), didn't get straight A's, but in terms of STPM, 3As and 1B is seriously super amazing. *salute*

   And then there is our Biology insect project which just refuses to turn out right. So, we seem to be endlessly working on it, even though we thought we were done with it long ago :(. Our plant project doesn't seem to be working that well too, but it is still going okay I guess. And so, during the holidays, we have our Maths assignment, Chemistry assignment,  my Pengajian Am assignment which is still not done even till today. Thinking about all that makes me a bit sick. I think I am still not a responsible enough person, nor am I scoring an A in the 'handling pressure' department. But I am trying to cope, I am. And sometimes I just wonder...what am I actually worrying about?

But as much as I can worry, life never stops for anyone. And the only option we have, is to be happy. So, buck up, Lexin!! :)

  

      What you need to try, is to try and let it go let it go...

Sunshine and City Lights, will guide you home. :)

 Have a happy day everyone,

Lexie